Whether your partner doesn’t show up to a date, forgets about your birthday, or has no time for you at all, stop coming up with excuses of his busyness, tiredness or whatever it might be. He or she is just irresponsible and not attentive enough therefore is not worth your pain. There is no reason for you to fall a victim to the circumstances and accept someone treating you worth than you deserve.
As people meet and fall in love, they go on dates, get to know each other better, cannot live a day without being together. It seems, yes! here is the one I’ve been looking for all my life and he or she understands me like no one else. However, once they get married or start living together, all of a sudden some problems start arising. And, ironically enough, communication becomes one of top problems in long term relationships.
Old stereotypes made us believe that making love is naturally easy, happens by itself and doesn’t involve too much thinking or talking. We assume that both partners are just supposed to know what to do when it comes to the moment, and then by some magic everybody becomes satisfied. Seriously? Is that what you experience in the bedroom? I wish it was that easy, but the truth is – it is not!
A lot has been said about the importance of emotional connection between the two people in love. It almost creates an invisible co-dependency. If your partner is in a bad mood or feeling low, it easily affects you without you even noticing and the same is true the other way around. Unfortunately a negative state often wins.
Do you often skip sex because you are either tired, not in the mood or busy with a million of other things? I guess this situation is familiar to many couples. Time became the most precious treasure of this century. More and more often it does not let us squeeze anything in our busy schedule, not talking about intimacy and true connection with our partners.
However, I believe – stress is over-exaggerated. In reality we got used to life in such a tempo at work, with children, with social activities and hobbies, so it seems we can clearly deal with it all if introduced to a bit of organization. But what about intimacy and love life? Why do we set it aside all the time and never seem to prioritize this indeed important area of our lives.
We often need to stretch ourselves to accept new ideas into our mind. As most of what we do is habitual and happens almost automatically – our reactions, behaviors and responses. In most cases we don’t stop and take time to think about our feelings as reactions to certain situations. We just assume that whatever our reaction it is right, and in a way it defines who we are now, based on our past experiences and observations.
I like the scene in the movie “Couples retreat” when one of the couples talk to the therapist, they said “we are happy, meaning we are making it through (marriage)”. Even though it is a typical Hollywood comedy, it can teach us a lot about loving relationships. Making it through is not a bad way of handling a partnership, but is it happiness in abundance?
Seemly the same definitions uncover a completely different perspective at a closer look. Only a small gap differentiates the two, which in reality makes a huge impact on a marriage or partnership than it seems from the first sight.
A lot has been said about your partner meeting your needs in the relationship, how to chose the “right” partner, how to make sure he or she suits all your demands. But what about making the relationship lasting, how you can be sure that your partner would be the same tomorrow as he or she is today. Everyone changes, especially under the influence of another person, and with time relationship routine might look completely different to the one it was in the beginning. The idea though is, to make a change to the better rather than worse. Sadly, a common perception of marriage is that with time romance fades away and relationship becomes boring and tasteless. The truth is – it will happen… only if you let it to.
Often we become so overwhelmed by the flying tempo of life that we forget how caring and attentive we should be towards partners. Often it is hard to stay on top of your own life let along following what’s going on in our spouse’s life. It doesn’t make you a bad person if you forgot your partner had an important day at work, or was going on a business trip in couple of days. We are humans with our own moods and feelings, and it is not easy to keep up with everything, while still staying a loving and mindful partner.
Most people don’t realise how and when they start living someone’s life and not their own any more. They fall under influence of their partners so easily giving up their own interests, ambitions and desires, and more importantly the right of being who they are. It continues to the point when they are not in charge of their own decisions anymore and follow the flow or life without acknowledging where it’s taking them.
Men think that women never know what they want, and women are of an opinion that men are limited in their choices and try to search for solutions when they are not needed. Here are some typical situations when it takes her ages to buy that pair of trousers, or she spends 2 hours in the shop and then declares there was nothing worth her attention, time is wasted, he is mad. On the other hand, he just tries to watch TV (by watching TV we mean blankly flicking through the channels), but she won’t stop talking “you know, today I had this meeting, and it didn’t go well and everyone teases me now”… and on and on and on. But, he doesn’t seem to hear a word of what she said and then proclaims – “well, you can tell them all to go to h*ll. And now leave me alone, I am watching TV”. In fact, none of them was either heard or understood.
It is common to think that dreams are mainly a childhood prerogative, while adults operate only with known facts and circumstances. We forbid ourselves to dream high, believing that it is safer to be down to earth with no risk involved whatsoever. In many couples, it becomes a taboo to discuss anything of that matter. As people tend to be critical and often sarcastic about their partners’ fantasies. Therefore, even if person envisions any bright future for her idea or intention, she keeps it for herself or forgets about it altogether.
If two people are in love, they usually demonstrate a natural interest in each other’s daily life. This is partially why we fall in love at first place, as our partner’s life-style looks intriguing in the beginning and makes us willing to know more. Genuine curiosity grasps our attention and drives our need for exploring our object of admiration. We absorb any information at this stage of connection with the other person and wish they never stopped sharing. It lasts through the early phase of the relationship until we face a problem, become too overwhelmed by our own world and allocate less and less time to participate in our partner’s life. In modern world, when it is so easy to be up to date with your spouse’s daily routines, we tend to disconnect from one another even more, all initial excitement fades away and we end up living separate lives under the same roof. Unfortunately, it happens to many couples, while they are not necessarily aware of this.
Last weekend my husband and I attended Tony Robbins seminar Unleash The Power Within, which by no mean, is the most empowering and incredibly energizing event we’ve ever been to!
It is not enough to say – we’ve learnt a lot, but we were also impressed by Tony’s vision and mission to make this world a better place. Most of us don’t take time to realise that we are capable of much more than we can imagine, and therefore miss out on a lot of opportunities in life. Tony Robbins coaching makes us aware of the choices we make every day, and how powerful we are to make any change in our life possible.
One of the most important needs in person’s life is growth. It is required in every area of one’s life. As per Tony, everything in the universe either grows or dies. In relationships, you can never stop learning to better understand your partner and create stronger connection with them.
Let’s face it, we all love doing things our way, don’t we? Therefore, the more easy-going our partner is – the better. Well… it seems so only in the beginning. Then we start to realise that we want to have a strong personality next to us, someone who can stand on their opinion and not give in to anything we tell them to do. So, how to find the right balance in relationship and who is the “boss” after all!
The best way to resolve this conflict or to avoid it at first place is to agree the rules from the beginning. And I am not suggesting to do it at the first date, but if you’re moving in together with your partner – you might need to discuss this, just in case.